Beer + Invisalign = Nothing Good

* Pictured above: Once I took the Invisalign out for a few hours, a standoff of sorts, this is what happened.

I'm well aware I can no longer down a case of beer. Sadly, I have reached an age where the physical consequences outweigh the grand ol' time. Well, let's just say even if it is possible, most times, it doesn't end well. I'm no longer the hip, spry journalist out for a pint with the veterans. I'm nearing an "old-school" ranking at the table now. Total. Bummer.

Its fine, I've accept this, but I still enjoy the occasional cocktail - okay Bud Light or whatever the special is - every now and then. But now I have another problem getting in the way of my social life, a little number called Invisalign.

Invisalign, in case you're unfamiliar, are these plastic trays (braces actually, but I avoid calling them that for reasons anyone over 18 would understand) that straighten your teeth. Only four of my teeth need to be realigned. Long story short, I drank the Kool-Aid and now I must wear these clear trays for 22 hours a day. Seems easy enough, right?

Well, not really. While latched onto your teeth, you can't eat or drink anything except water. Casually sipping a beer at a bar with friends has become a gigantic obstacle, well to put it bluntly, it's a tremendous pain in the ass. Each time I order a beer, I wait for it to arrive and then say, "I'll be right back," sprinting from the table into the bathroom on a mission to take the trays out. When I return, I drink my brew as fast as possible (which has the potential to create other problems) and then minutes later, I'm back in the bathroom or another deep throat-like location to shove them into my mouth, again.

Repeat the above scenario times four and you'll get a visual on how my Friday nights now unfold. Let me tell you, this little routine gets old - quick. In a typical outing, I'm might leave the table, disappearing to somewhere, anywhere, numerous times. It's an awkward activity and could appear to some that a worse situation is possibly unfolding. Let me set the record straight: No I don't have a coke habit, just braces.

At my last visit, I asked my orthodontist for some advice. Maybe he could solve my little problem. He is, as far as I know, an expert on this teeth-straightening racket.

"Well, I don't really want to promote drinking," he beings.
“Please,” I say to myself, eyes rolling. “Just give it to me straight, doc.”
"But if I were you, I would stick to shots," he said and then smiled his pearly grin.

Oh wonderful! Just the solution I prayed for! Well, I'm sorry, but if I can't drink a series of beers, I am certainly in no condition for Yeager Bombs, Red Headed Sluts or Lemon Drops. Well, maybe I could do a few, but like I said, it's the ending of that narrative that concerns me.

So for now, thanks to Invisalign and the tolerance limitations that come with nearing 30, consider me in social rehab. At the bar, you'll be able to spot me, no problem. I'll be the one with the water.